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| So I've decided I may not return to Tech after this semester depending on the circumstances. What will happen with me? I don't know. I just know this path is going to be hard with a lesson in what life can throw at you. It'll be a new start for me but just tougher to get back up again. But if everything is for the building up for good as it says in Romans, despite not being able to see how, I can't deny God's word. There is little hope in me at this point to be honest, but I'm still trying to hold on to it. This is a time of discipline and growing up, but I will still declare that God is good through all that is happening. He is truly the only One I can go before in my brokenness. I hope I will grow closer to Him and not farther as I prepare for the unknown.
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| I don't know what the near future will bring. Whatever the outcome, God is still good through it all. I'm trying to seek more, depend on Him more, and I am going to be hit hard. But Christ is already victorious and He lives in me...what a friend we have in Jesus.
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| I am learning the hard way with my past mistakes. Now I know what it feels like to have it all catch up at once. Through this I know I am that much more changed and gained experience with life. I've been getting less distracted with the things that used to be so distracting to me, such as: needing to be where people are, chatting online, wasting my time for hours doing nothing productive, etc. All these things would make me lose focus on what I'm doing at school and such. Now I find it easier to cope with those things and FINALLY realize that it hasn't helped at all with my life so why bother keeping at it? I remember praying constantly every night before sleeping that I would keep my focus on God this year and every year. It is being answered. I never do new resolutions every year, but try to improve on the ones I feel are the most important to me. These include: to keep seeking and having the faith to keep going, being humble and not seek attention or anything unhealthy, not to care about what others think of me, be myself and not be fake with people, and a few other things I can't think of right now. Though I fall short on all of these, I realize it eventually and try to go on from there. As of now, I am still waiting for that "season of refreshment" that was prophesied over me over the summer. When it will happen? I don't know but it's not in my hands. Everything I have right now is not mine. My life, my possessions, things/people I hold dear to me, everything that defines who I am does not belong to me. Rather it is all from the Lord.
This first week of school, I felt so much weight on my shoulders and was feeling unhappy and stressed from the pressures I now have to face. Thursday night while I was sitting there praying, I felt I got a vision from God. I was driving my car, in full control of the steering wheel, foot on the pedal. All was well till He came next to me and told me, "let go of the wheel and let me steer. let me direct where you go, but keep your foot on the pedal." And that was it. To me, it was obvious what was being said. To not control the things in my life, but to let Him take the wheel and direct where I go, but at the same time to keep my foot on the pedal, to keep going where He steers me. I felt that "load" I was carrying this week leave me and right then I was reminded that, through Him, I am free from all the world's burdens. Over the winter break and throughout a lot of my prayer topics in my life, it has been a lot about freedom. The freedom I have in Christ. That is probably one of the main things that He puts on my heart, that in Him there is freedom. What else can I do but praise and sing to Him? From the song "Secret Place" by Planet Shakers, there is a line that says, "just one moment here with You, means more than anything to me." If we truly touch the Spirit, we will never want to leave that precious moment. I know that I need to change and not be so conforming. I need to step up in my walk. Like in Friday night's message, our worth is not defined by what other's think of us, what our status is in life, etc. but how God sees us. To Him, we are worth enough that He sent His Son to die on that cross. There we were redeemed and saved for eternity. Again I want to remind myself and those reading, to set our sight on the long term goal. The coming kingdom of God. When it is our time to leave this earth, we will be in the heavens praising and feasting for eternity. We'll get there, we'll get there...
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| Instead of studying for finals and such, I'm here doing this once again...
The semester's coming to an end and I wish I could start it all over but whatever, gotta move forward. Lately I've been feeling God putting certain things in my prayers. One of the main things is to just be thankful and rejoice for each day that is given to me. With everything going on around us, it is so easy to be depressed and weary each day we go through. But life is too short to be pissed off and sad all the time. In Ephesians 5:15-17 it tells us: "Look therefore carefully how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." In the word, it tells us, "this is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." I struggle with giving thanks and rejoicing each day that is given to me. Instead, all I think about is what I have to do throughout the week and just forget about putting God in front of it all. After doing this on a consistent basis, I started to feel distant from God throughout most of the semester. By His mercy and grace, giving me the opportunity to do morning prayer meeting again was such a supply, even though it was only once a week. I really felt the Spirit telling me to just be thankful for what I have and not to worry about everything else that is occupying my mind. He reminded me that in Him, I am able to face the day. He spoke to me from Isaiah 40:28-31 which says, "Do you not know, Or have you not heard, That the eternal God, Jehovah, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Does not faint and does not become weary? There is no searching out of His understanding. He gives power to the faint, And to those who have no vigor He multiplies strength. Although youths will faint and become weary, And young men will collapse exhausted; Yet those who wait on Jehovah will renew their strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles; They will run and will not faint; They will walk and will not become weary."
This morning at Dwelling Place, the message really moved me inside. It was a testimony of the speaker's past life and now. The basic message to get from this is that, because God lives and is risen, we are able to face tomorrow. We get the wrong concept as Christians that we want to be blessed by God, and if we don't find that than we grow bitter or disappointed. Instead we need to be a blessing to God and to others. God already blessed us by giving us redemption and forgiveness with His death on the cross. He wants to make us into something, and that is His earthen vessels to do His will. We should no longer be seeking to be blessed by God as our first priority, but instead, be a blessing. We may not be accepted or feel worthy in the eyes of men, but I read with my accountability a passage from a message online, and it read: "No one is unworthy; rather, all are worthy because God says, 'I have accepted you.' " I realize that we don't need to struggle and feel dead inside. When Christ was resurrected, the stone from His tomb was rolled away and Jesus was no longer there because He was risen. The same goes with us, we can say each day that our past sinful being is no longer here, instead we have been risen with Christ and are renewed again. I am still having major problems using my time wisely and finding the motivation to be faithful in all the little things like studying and doing my responsibilities as a student, son, brother, friend, etc. I confess that I still lack the faith of what prayer can do at times. I don't do it whole-heartedly sometimes because I doubt. But just looking back on my past experiences and in other people's lives, God's system is at work, and it will never stumble or fall. We may have everything or have nothing in this world, but having God's life and joy, that can never be taken away from you. I've been listening to some songs by Planet Shakers which include: "Lift Up Your Eyes", "Fall In This Place", "You Are Holy", and "Worship Forevermore". If you get the time you can listen to some in the "audio" section that I will put up, but here is one song that sort of brought me back to realizing that God is my true happiness and satisfaction.
"Fall In This Place"
Verse1
Take me to the place Lord
Where there’s nothing else but me and You
Longing for Your presence
I know that You are calling me to You
Pre chorus
Here i stand
And long for Your embrace
Nothing else
Could ever take Your place
Chorus
Come Holy Spirit
Fall in this place
i need more and more of You
Fill me again with the power of Your spirit
Lord i’m crying out for
More and more of You
Bridge
Lord i’m crying out for
More and more of you
I am trying to seek more discipline and faith in my life consistently, not just once in a while. Something in me is saying everything will be alright. I'm asking for the faith to believe that it will be... | | |
| This semester so far has been one of the toughest I've ever had to deal with, and it's not even over yet. Academically I'm still not doing well and I'm still going through the same trials and problems that have been with me since freshmen year. I have been praying ever since then about my problems with school, family, future and what I should do to serve God better, etc. But after last night's message, it got me thinking that I have been dealing with it kind of in the wrong way with my prayers. Instead of just allowing God to have my heart, I've been trying to pray for what I want answers to, such as what He wants me to do in the future, which is one of the main things I've been really trying to seek because at this point of my life, I am completely clueless as to what I am doing with my life. For some reason, it has been really really hard to let God take over my life right now because I've just been overwhelmed with so many things. My parents have been lecturing me nonstop about school and my future plans, and those lectures and scoldings are getting more intense. My performance academically has not been good enough for anything, so I've been really upset and ashamed whenever the subject of "school" and "after school" comes up from them. Like I've mentioned before, I feel that I am wasting my parent's time and money here and all those things have been distracting me from concentrating on what I need to do. I try hard in school, but somehow the results don't show from my efforts. That in turn has caused me to feel bitter and frustrated at myself and to God in a way. For some reason this semester, I feel God has somehow taken away some of those who I've been close with throughout my years here. It just seems I'm on my own the whole time everyday, every week. I get the feeling God is using all these things and saying that all I need is Him and Him alone. Honestly, even though what I'm going through may seem like small things to people, I don't feel I can handle it all because it is easier said then done when we say to just "let go of it all and let God take control". But I know God is greater than what I go through and He never gives us anything more than what we can't handle. My trials at this present time I feel is the beginning to what my prayer was before the beginning of the year, and it was that I would truly just focus on God alone and experience His love. By taking my friends farther from me; still going through problems with family, school, and future; and on top of all that, giving me opportunities to serve my brothers and sisters even when I don't feel I should due to my current situations, God I feel is using all this to tell me that He is all I need. That my heart and whole being belongs to Him and He will take care of all my needs if I would just fall under His love and grace. I am starting to see the answer as to why I am going through these trials and feelings of frustrations and shamefulness, and that is so I can truly come back to God and say, "here i am Lord, take me and do with me as You please. My life is Yours." All this will really allow me to focus on Him and realize how faithful He is to my prayer from the beginning. I've learned that my prayers shouldn't be something that I'm looking for but what God's heart is for. I shouldn't always be worried about my plans and future, but what He wants, and right now all He wants is for me to give Him my heart and experience His grace. It's such a hard battle for my heart but He never lets me go and that just makes me all the more happy and know how awesome of a God I have. This song by Hillsong called "With Everything" really spoke to me about what I posted tonight.
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we've built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
...amen
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